Friday, October 31, 2014

15 Months!

It's been an eternity since I updated the blog. For that I apologize! After one of the busiest summers in recent memory we've finally settled into a nice little routine and therefore I have a little extra time to update you all on what's been going on with Kavan and I.

First off, Kavan was recently at the Cross Cancer Institute for his 15-month check up. Good news: he's once again been given the all-clear. No sign of any cancer anywhere. It's funny how cancer changes you and your perspectives on health. I think many who have gone through this experience themselves or have cared for a loved one (like myself), find themselves wondering if and when the cancer will emerge. We look for little clues-sudden weight loss, aches/pains to determine if our loved one is healthy. Then, we hold our breaths when the routine check-ups come along. For myself I know that Kavan's initial diagnosis was such a shock, how could one who looks so well on the outside be seriously sick on the inside? I kind of stopped trusting my instincts and started always bracing for the worst. I suppose that's why the check-ups are so anxiety-provoking.

Kavan had just one scan with this particular check-up, a chest CT. While I am thankful that the barrage of radiation/tests has lessened, I do worry if something would be missed! I am not sure that feeling will ever subside. Maybe this just goes with the territory of being a cancer survivor or a cancer survivor's loved one.

On to happier news, we finally tied the knot in August. It was a magical day and we were surrounded by the love from our family and friends. We truly had a blast and I couldn't imagine things going any better, though the heat that day was stifling! Since then we've travelled to Jamaica for our honeymoon, Banff and finally England for the wedding of Kavan's cousin. It was a bit of a whirlwind and I'm glad we've settled into a routine back home.

Our Wedding. Photo by Iawar Photography

Favorite Wedding Photo by Iawar Photography

Photo by Stril & Rae Photo
Kavan & I in Banff


London Bridge with the lego man


Thurlow wedding in London


Happy 28th Birthday Kavan!


Kavan also celebrated his 28th birthday this week! He still likes to remind me that I'm older than him.

Happy Halloween!


Monday, July 28, 2014

One Year...

It's been awhile since I've updated the blog. In these past few months we've been busy with preparations for our upcoming wedding and just generally enjoying our short-lived summer weather. Kavan has been feeling well and even recently enjoyed his first game of ice hockey in over two years!

On Friday, Kavan had his one-year cancer check-up at the Cross Cancer Institute. Eeek. As I was off work I decided to attend the appointment with him. It never fails, whenever I walk in to that building this feeling of overwhelming nausea seems to hit me. It conjures all the emotions and memories of last year. I am so fortunate that we are past that.

Kavan being Kavan at the Cross Cancer Institute
Onto the good news, Kavan remains cancer free! It's so very exciting to receive such positive news! He will still face a bombardment of tests every three months for the next year but it is relieving to know that the cancer has not recurred. Every minute and every day that passes cancer free means a reduction in the likelihood of recurrence!

This weekend we attended the wedding of Kavan's best friend in Kelowna! It was a lovely weekend filled with great memories. It's hard to believe that ours is just around the corner!




Kavan and Patrick

Kavan and I with the new Mr. & Mrs.


Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Goodbye May!

Wow, I've been a neglectful blogger. It's been nearly two months since I've given an update on Kavan.

Kavan is doing well! His last scans at his nine-month check-up were entirely clear and, most importantly, he survived his bachelor party weekend! He had a fantastic time in Phoenix with his buddies and I think just generally enjoyed being healthy!

Otherwise, life has been continuing on as usual. I am out of classes for the summer and Kavan is plugging away at work and studying for his CPA. Our wedding is coming up quickly and we are busy with final preparations. Hard to believe it's nearly been 18 months since we were engaged!

Kavan is currently away for some sun and golfing with his Dad! He's finally gotten back to one of his loves: scuba diving!

Kavan and I last year: don't worry it's just photobooth! 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Nine Months

Sorry to disappoint you, the title of this blog does not in any way relate to a pregnancy announcement. (Yes, I do find myself especially amusing late at night after I've been typing for HOURS!). It's been nine months since Kavan finished his treatment and now it's time for another battery of radiation (from scans!) and blood tests. Another three months has flown by and its time for Kavan to see his oncologist...I'm sure I've mentioned this before but I find these check-ups to be quite anxiety provoking. The "What Ifs?' start flowing and I'm transported back to the day Kavan was initially diagnosed with cancer. Eeeek!

I think its probably normal to feel some anxiety, and some say its even healthy. I would tend to agree with this-if I felt no anxiety that would probably be abnormal. I must say that I've improved leaps and bounds in coping with this anxiety. Six months ago Kavan going for tests would have kept me awake all night, but now I sleep. I suppose this is because Kavan copes so well with things. He is eternally optimistic. You could call him an eternal ray of sunshine. Never in my life have I encountered a person who is happy all of the time, from the moment he wakes up until the moment he closes his eyes at night. It almost annoys me, though I am almost certain that these feelings of annoyance are really feelings of jealousy in disguise!

Anyways, enough of my ramblings...Kavan is a happy person! He will once again venture to the Cross Cancer Institute tomorrow for a variety of scans: MRI, CT, heart scan, bone scan. He is feeling fantastic and looking handsome. You would hardly know that he had ever been sick! So, cross your fingers or send your prayers his way that he remains cancer free!

In other fantastic news, Kavan has finally attended physiotherapy after my relentless nagging. I think it might have been difficult for him to even utter the words, "You were right, I should have gone sooner". It felt great to hear that, but even better is the progress Kavan has made in only three sessions. Last week he had accupuncture on his left leg and he says that his range of motion is almost back to pre-surgery/radiation levels. Yeah! I am thrilled for him as I know that he is closer to reaching his goal of playing ice hockey again.

At the end of this week (thankfully after his check-up blood work), Kavan will head to Phoenix with a few of his friends to celebrate his Bachelor party. I'm not sure I've seen him so giddy in quite some time. While you're praying that Kavan's tests come back clear, say another prayer that he survives his Bachelor weekend!

Have a nice week! More to come!


Monday, March 24, 2014

No more mullet shoes!

Wow, it's been awhile since I gave an update on Kavan! I'm feeling a bit guilty! I suppose you could say that it's a good thing that there has been nothing to update on. We've both been busy, Kavan with work and me with school.

Kavan is coming up on 9 months since completing chemo. Time has kind of flown by. It seems like yesterday that we were hearing his diagnosis and he began treatment. The time seemed to drag last year and I had this monotonous countdown of the days and weeks until Kavan would be finished treatment. Now, cancer doesn't even cross my mind some days. It's quite bizarre now that I sit down and think about it, something that dominated our lives for over a year, now on occasionally crosses my mind.

Kavan will go for another round of testing at the Cross Cancer Institute shortly. I suppose it will be more on our minds then. The anxious waiting, the "what-ifs?". I have to say, with each passing day, I am feeling more and more positive about Kavan's long-term prognosis. He's looking healthier and healthier! He even wears shoes with a back!! I got my wish, the mullet shoes are gone!

So, I promise it won't quite be so long until the next post. Kavan is due for his next round of testing around April 9. Then he's off to the States for his Bachelor party. I think I worry about the bachelor party and his health more than the check-up!
These are the mullet shoes...Appropriate for one whose foot looks like that!

This time last year...what a difference a year makes!

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Happy World Cancer Day!

Today is world cancer day. A day created with the hope of raising awareness about cancer and drawing attention to the modifiable risk factors for cancer such as diet and exercise. Does it seem odd to say Happy world cancer day? Do the words happy and cancer belong in the same sentence?

Prior to Kavan's illness I might have answered, "No". What could be happy about cancer? However, after living through the last year and watching Kavan go throw his treatments, I would answer that happiness and joy can be associated with cancer. I would argue that true happiness can be found when  you find out scans are clear. Happiness can also be found in the the previously insignificant moments like laughing at a funny joke after a long day of chemotherapy.

I would say, if anything, cancer has taught me the meaning of my true happiness. A happiness that is not associated with material things, but rather experiences and the little sources of joy in life.

And it is with that I wish you a Happy World Cancer Day!

Monday, January 20, 2014

Happy six months cancerversary!

These last few days have been happy ones. On Friday, Kavan had his six month, post-chemotherapy check up with his oncologist Dr.Chu. In the week prior he had an MRI, chest CT and bone scan. Tensions always run high in the intervening week as we all wait. Though, often, I feel that I am more nervous than Kavan. So.....

GOOD NEWS! Kavan remains cancer free! HURRAY! It's amazing how such news can brighten your day. All scans were clear and his bloodwork is slowly slowly normalizing.

After these visits, Kavan often remarks about how the tone and the relationship between him and his oncologist has evolved. At the onset of his illness, there was cautious optimism and now the visits are most certainly more joyful and have a tendency to be more of a social exchange. Just goes to show how humans fundamentally shy away from situations in which potentially bad news may be delivered, some sort of coping mechanism, I guess.

We had a great weekend following Kavan's appointment. About a month ago we were asked by the Edmonton Oilers (our local NHL team) if we'd be willing to participate in a video showcasing the unique stories of fans in Edmonton. I guess someone within the organization had passed on our names after the HockeyFightsCancer event in October. They said our inspiring story (99% KAVAN) would be great for the video. So, on Sunday we went to film our segment for about 45 minutes. They asked Kavan a bunch about his experience attending almost all home game while receiving intensive chemotherapy. I'm really looking forward to seeing the finished product!

Now, on to the week!


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

A New Year: Resolutions from a Cancer Survivor's Spouse

It's been awhile since I've delivered an update on Kavan's condition and recovery after a year-long hammering from chemotherapy. At times I look upon our experiences over the last year as if it were someone else, merely just a nightmare that we've finally woken from. Most of the time I blissfully ignore those painful memories in favor of living in the current moment and focusing on our present situation ripe with the challenges typical to any young couple. Most of the time I am successful, and only have Kavan's sparse locks to remind me of his not-so-distant ordeal, however, at other times those memories grip me and manage to drag me into a scary cycle of anxiety and panic.

My blog today is not so much about Kavan. It is more about the challenges I have faced, and as I write this I am under NO delusions that I am by any means unique. I know that a great majority of this blog's readers are those who perhaps don't know Kavan personally and are struggling in other parts of the world with a similar diagnosis. I know that they too have family members/spouses that are struggling with similar emotions as I. It was only after Kavan finished treatment that I could begin to care for myself and explore how my physical/emotional well-being was impacted by his catastrophic diagnosis. It is with this experience that I feel compelled to write this blog post and aim to accomplish one of my new year's resolutions.

Thus far, I have connected many of our experiences over the past year with my own professional experiences as a nurse working in various pediatric settings. So often in healthcare, we seem to focus the majority of efforts/attention on the patient, that individual most apparently ill. We compartmentalize the patient, friends, spouse, and children as if they are all separate entities, rather than a single unit grieving the loss of health and all the complexities that loss brings. While I do realize that the majority of time we in healthcare are well-intentioned and merely making the best use of our extremely limited resources, we may, unintentionally, be serving to discount the importance of the healthy "family" unit and the direct effect it can have on the patient.

Now, I have no intention of discounting the experience of the patient, in this case one battling Ewing's Sarcoma, but I would like to use my own experiences to highlight the importance of a healthy spouse/caregiver. Prior to Kavan's diagnosis I would admit I led a carefree life. I had the idyllic childhood with two loving parents, lived in a nice house in a safe neighborhood and enjoyed all of the benefit of a middle-upper class upbringing. I attended University, had a full time job after graduation as an RN, and was able to take regular vacations. I had never really struggled and the great majority of the time was a happy person free from worry. I do admit that I have always been a bit of a perfectionist and type A control freak...I am a planner to the T, and enjoy when things go according to plan. Apparently, according to my Uncle Bill, I have not changed much, as I was the same way at age five.

Fast forward to 2012. Kavan had just returned from four months in Asia. I was busy working in preparation to begin full-time graduate education. BAM-Kavan diagnosed with Ewing's Sarcoma, an aggressive, rare form of cancer requiring intensive chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. Didn't exactly fit into my plans. Couldn't change anything. Even the best planning couldn't fix it.

Though it was difficult, and the year was filled me with many tearful hours on the phone to family and friends, WE survived. I managed to continue and be successful in my full-time graduate studies and even work a couple of days a week. I had a few crazy moments where I lost my mind, but all in all WE did well. I can't recount how many times I heard, "I don't know how you did it", 'I couldn't have handled it". Thinking back, I don't know how I did it. How did I hold it together? Like most family members supporting someone going through cancer treatment, I focused all of my energy on Kavan's well-being. I aimed to make his experience of intensive cancer treatment as enjoyable as possible. I now acknowledge that while I did a "bang-up" job of ensuring he was coping, I took lousy care of myself and my own emotional well-being.

About two months after his treatment was completed, I started to crack. The type-A control freak in me reared its ugly head and I began to experience intense anxiety. After struggling and enduring multiple sleepless nights and panic attacks for a couple months, I admitted defeat and finally visited my Doctor. These events were completely foreign to me. I had never experienced the racing pulse, difficulty breathing, uncontrollable thoughts, typically associated with panic attacks. My Doctor likened these events to a sort of post traumatic stress disorder with the triggering event being Kavan's cancer diagnosis. Why did I not have these events during his treatment? The best answer I can come up with is that I felt safer when Kavan was receiving treatment. Something was being done to keep the cancer at bay. The constant monitoring gave a sense of comfort. Now that treatment was over, the great waiting game was to begin...

Thankfully, I have a supportive physician and psychologist who provided me with tangible strategies to manage my symptoms. For the first time in my life I attended counselling and underwent cognitive behavioural therapy-a sort of brain-thought retraining program. I must admit it was, at times, difficult to hear my own insecurities and fears out loud and asking for help felt like an admission of failure. However, my attitudes towards anxiety and mental health are now greatly changed and I feel fortunate that the CBT provided me with means of reducing/controlling my panic attacks. While I consider this development a great success, in the intervening months other emotions have arisen: anger, jealousy.

If I've learned anything from this entire experience it would be that life isn't fair. I always knew this (primarily on a superficial level), but now, I really do understand that life is not fair. This is often a source of my anger. I feel anger that this happened to the best human I know, someone so full of a love for life. I feel anger that I've lost my blissful ignorance and peace-of-mind. To the majority of 27 year-old males chest pain doesn't mean a thing, however, to Kavan chest pain could mean mets. I feel anger that we have lost some of the ability to choose certain things in our lives. Our path will never quite be the same as our peers. I feel anger that many people do not stop to understand that though treatment is over, the worry is NEVER over. Sometimes, this anger morphs into jealousy. Yes, there are some days that I feel jealous of those around me and I think, "Do they even know how fortunate they are?". Why can't we enjoy the same things?

When I find myself veering into this territory of negative emotions/thinking, I try to weed out the root cause. Usually it comes back to that feeling of loss. What was life like when I didn't think of cancer? I can barely remember. Then, I try to think about all of the positives: I am engaged to a survivor, we have experienced true love, and I am strong enough to endure crisis for an entire year. Kavan is alive and healthy and we have an entire future ahead of us. (My new mantra). We have something that those others don't have, the strength and resolve to keep going, soldiering on. We have lived the same struggles as a couple together for forty years. We have already lived both the "sickness" and "in health" detailed by so many marriage vows.

So, what is my message through all of the above ramblings? I suppose it would be to support the entire family unit of an individual undergoing cancer treatment. The health of the caregivers of the patient are important....If you know someone who has a spouse/child/family member battling cancer make sure to ask how they are coping. This act of kindness/consideration will extend beyond the spouse (etc.) to the cancer patient themselves. In the same breath, if you are reading this as a spouse/family member/child and have a loved one undergoing treatment, please DO NOT hesitate to seek counselling or support from friends/family. As my family reminded me last year, the patient (aka Kavan) does not need to see you fall apart, it will not help in their battle.

I am hopeful that my experiences will be helpful to another in a similar situation. It is my resolution to continue recognizing negative emotions and dealing with these events in a timely manner. This is necessary in order to avoid a recurrence of the panic attacks.

On an entirely different note, Kavan is doing well. Happy as always. He is due for his 6 month check up at the cross cancer this week...more news to come.

Kavan as an infant...even had that infectious smile back then!